“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they
went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”

“This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to
read,” ranted the teacher. “It has too many mistakes. I
can’t understand how one person would have made all these
mistakes.”

“One person didn’t,” replied Little Jimmy defensively. “My
father helped me!”

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To
the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside
gardening. “Who’s the boss around here?” he asked.

“I am.” said the man.

“I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said,

“which one would you like?”

The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one.”

“No, no, no, get the brown one.” the man’s wife said.

“Here’s your chicken.” said the farmer.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled a motorist as the
policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

“Keep it,” the cop said. “When you collect four of them, you get
a bicycle.”

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just
rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the
hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to
pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around
and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift
when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey,
who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service
manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage,
“Hey, DeBakey is that you? Come over here a minute.”

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris
was working on a car.

Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively,
“So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out,
grind ‘em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will
purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you
and me are doing basically the same work?”

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to
Morris …”Try doing your work with the engine running.”

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a
couple of really important executives on board into Seattle
airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and
his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and
after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very
nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall
building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.
Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window:
“Hey, where am I?”. The solitary office worker replies: “You’re
in an airplane.”. The pilot immediately executes a swift 275
degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the
airport’s runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the
engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers
ask the pilot how he did it.

“Elementary,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that
building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100%
correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be
Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is three
minutes away on a course of 87 degrees.”

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach
about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want
you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many
had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will
now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

A man and a woman go to the carnival every year. Every time the
man says, “Anna can we ride them airplanes that goes up for a
couple of minutes then comes back down?”

The woman always replied by saying,”We don`t need to spend any
extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive.Ten dollars is
ten dollars.

Tom, the pilot, said,” Larry, every year I hear you say you want
to ride my airplanes, and every year Anna says it`s too
expensive. I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my flips and
tricks with you in there with me, and you don`t say one word,
I`ll give you the ride for free.

Anna and Larry discussed it and decided they would take the
deal.They got up in the air and Tom did all of his tricks and
flips.

Tom said,”Larry I just knew you`d say something on that first
flip,but you didn`t!

Larry replied,” i was going to say something when Anna fell out,
but ten dollars is ten dollars.

Billy Bob’s pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and
went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six
months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The
babies are fine and your brother came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother… he’s an
idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s
the girl’s name?”

“Denise,” says the doctor.

The new mother says, “Wow, that’s a beautiful name! I guess I
was wrong about my brother. I like Denise.” Then she asks,
“What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped
her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at
them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to
use it!

Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation but got out and
ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to
load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the
driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the
ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A
few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five
spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove
to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in
two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a
mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall,
glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard on
Halloween when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is
around, so she starts looking to see where it’s coming from.

She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a
grave with a headstone that reads, “Ludwig van Beethoven.”

Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is
being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and
persuades a friend to return with her.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has
changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also
being played backward.

Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they
return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the
expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in
reverse order.

By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around
the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard’s caretaker approaches the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the
music.

“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about” says the caretaker. “He’s just
decomposing!!”

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for
the next week.

“Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and
in preparation for the lesson, I want you all to read the
Seventeenth Chapter of Mark.”

The following week at the beginning of the class, the teacher
said, “Now all who have prepared for today?s lesson by reading
the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please come to the front.” Half
the class stood up and came forward.

“The rest of you may leave,” said the teacher, “these students
are the ones I want to speak with. There is no Seventeenth
Chapter in the Book of Mark!”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though they were a very large
mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated a whale could not
swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one
November day.

The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got
some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand
each other anymore, and we?re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I
want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you
now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I
move out.”

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the
Hamptons and tells her the news.

The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”

She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING
till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”

The father agrees, “All right.”

The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay,
they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell
them for Christmas?”

Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody
complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he
cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75
years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep
up his rigorous fitness regime.

“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our
wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight,
the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

Two peanuts where walking down the road and one was a salted!

Most folks believe that Ben Franklin discovered electricity with
his famous kite experiment.

Actually, a women made that discovery possible.

The real story was that Ben Franklin was laying in bed with his
wife one night, leaned over and whispered something in her ear.

She told him to go fly a kite. The rest is history.

Two men were walking their dogs together. The first guy with a
Chocolate lab and the second a Chihuahua

The first guy says, “Hey, you want to get something to eat?”

The second guy replies, “Yeah, but they all have signs that say
‘No Dogs Allowed’.”

The first guy with the lab puts sunglasses on and hands the
other guy a pair. “Follow my lead,” he says.

As he walks into the restaurant a waiter stops him and says,
“Sir, no dogs allowed.”

The man replies, “It’s O.K., this is my seeing eye dog.” The
waiter apologizes and leads the man to a table as the second man
enters.

The same waiter stops him but the guy says, “This is my seeing
eye dog. I’m with the other guy.”

The waiter replies, “Sir, you can’t fool me, you have a
Chihuahua.”

The man freaks out and says, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a
Chihuahua?!”

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room,
waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father,
“Congratulations you’re the father of twins!” He says, “Great! I
am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father,
“Congratulations you’re the father of triplets”! He says,
“That’s cool! I work for 3M.”

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where’s the third father?”

One of the other fathers said, “Oh he jumped out the window.”

The nurse asks, “Why?”

He replied, “He works for Seven Up!”